Crossroads

Hello all, long time, no see :) Turns out having two kids makes one pretty busy; who knew?

Recently, someone sent me a message saying that they liked the pictures I posted, and that it looked like I was "living my best life".. I know she meant that as a compliment, but to be honest, it hit me hard. What I post on Facebook and Instagram is just the rosy side of life. These past few months, while overall containing mostly good moments, have simultaneously been some of the more emotionally trying months of my life. Of course, no one wants to see pictures of that stuff.

I could have posted the moment where I realized I didn't have a job to go back to when my maternity leave was over- yes, they can do that if your contract ends during your leave, even at the company consistently voted "best place to work". I could have posted when the daycare we planned on sending Elisa to (where AJ is), told me they couldn't give her a place because we lived outside the city limits- not that it matters if I have no job. I could have posted about the 50+ job applications I've sent, the countless interviews (ok, 6), or the rejections- apparently no one wants to hire a 28 year old mother of two small children who wants to work part time, without extensive job experience. Or I could've posted the heartbreaking day last week when I was officially unemployed- May 1, or May 2, my daughter's first birthday, when I had to report to the unemployment office. Or today I could've posted the super awesome 4 hour job application workshop I have to attend every day this week, on orders of said unemployment agency- where even the job coach seems baffled by my situation.

But these aren't the rosy parts of life. I say all of this to say, what is online isn't real. I mean, those are real parts of life, but they don't tell the whole story. This is not to say that my life is terrible. I'm definitely at a crossroad, and I am trying very hard not to be discouraged, even though to be honest, the situation all around sucks. But I have two beautiful, super smart children (AJ memorized the top 50 most populous countries in order last week, and Elisa started pushing her walker today :) ), a lovely husband who would hate me writing about him online, and oh by the way, we bought a house! Luckily (because of my unemployment), we don't actually move in or start paying for the house until June 2019, because the current owners are building new. But the contract is signed, so this was big deal for us. We were very fortunate to find the right house, the right place, the right owners, and most of all, the right price. In the Stuttgart area, or in our case, 50 km away, this is not so easy to find. But from June of next year, we will be moving to a tiny village not too far from the Black forest, where daycare places are abundant, and as the lady selling told us, "the only sound you'll hear is the horses in the fields around the village". I think that's when Paolo was sold.

So all in all, everything is fine and will be fine. When I feel discouraged, I try to channel Scarlett O'Hara in her "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again" moment. However, if you see me making dresses from my curtains, send help.

Ciao for now,
Kathleen

Vacanza, Finalmente!

Well, folks, I survived. The sleep regression/ wonder week is still going on, but it's very slowly improving. It turned out that I had the flu, so that's why I just couldn't deal with it all. So now that that miserable week is over, on to better things!

We are leaving tomorrow for our big summer vacation-a month in Italy! How are we swinging that, you ask? I'm on maternity leave, Paolo has two months of parental leave, and he's taking one in September, and AJ's new school is not starting until October. So what better to do than escape to Italy for a bit? We'll spend a couple weeks at my in-laws beach house in Jesolo, with a couple weeks in between in Puglia (in various cities). It'll be my first time to travel south of Rome, so I'm pretty excited. We're traveling by car, so hopefully we won't find too much traffic this time of year (post vacation season). 

I don't think I've mentioned it here yet, but I've applied for Italian citizenship. First of all, this is a dual citizenship; no, I am not giving up my American citizenship. Secondly, what are the benefits of this? I currently have to keep a residence permit, which is tied to my marriage to an EU citizen, in order to stay and work here in Germany. With EU citizenship, I will be granted the same rights as anyone else here (minus the right to vote, although I can then vote in Italy). Why Italian and not German citizenship, you may ask? In a nutshell, it's easier. For German citizenship, I must stay here another 4 years, and renounce my American citizenship. So that is a no go for me as I'm not willing/interested in doing that (although the double taxation on expats is pretty dumb). I can claim Italian citizenship through Paolo while living abroad after 3 years of marriage, which is halved once you have a kid. Then I just had to turn in some documents (officialized, with apostille and translations), and I have a date in November to swear these are true and then a waiting period of up to 2 years to receive my confirmation. Long process, but easy. And at the end, I will be an Italian American! 

It still sounds funny to me to even say, but hey, why not? Maybe then I will finally get around to changing my last name to fit in a little better with the other Italians (Powers somehow does not scream Italy). I suppose I could even run for political office there. Those guys have been voting in Trumps for years, may as well vote for an Alabama girl. Maybe my slogan will be, "Make the Romans great again" (patent pending). 

For now, I'm off to finish packing. Trying to fit all we need for a whole month is no easy feat, thanks to the stroller, car seats, etc. 

Ciao for now, 

Kathleen 

All of the Coffee

Today I feel like a failure. I feel defeated and frankly, just done. The past three weeks have been one of the most trying times of my life. Elisa is going through a sleep regression/growth spurt/wonder week/teething, or who really knows what. Does it even matter? My sweet angel, who was sleeping 5-6 hour stretches at two months is now waking up 7-10 times per night. Last week it started normalizing before taking a turn for the worse, and by that I mean, the worst. The past four nights I have slept maybe 3 hours per night.. but certainly not all in a row. As a result, I'm literally sick: nausea, headache, back pain, skin breaking out, etc. It doesn't seem to affect Elisa as far as her mood or daytime sleep behaviors.  It certainly doesn't affect my dearly beloved, who wakes up only about 10% of the time. I know it's stupid, but a man's ability to sleep through seemingly anything infuriates me.  

So that brings me to today.. where I have a total of zero energy to deal with these two children. Oh yeah, AJ is currently home for a few months before he starts a new daycare in October. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but here we are. I thought we would be going out and doing things all the time, which we did initially, until this mess started. Now the poor kid is stuck in the house with a baby and a mom too sick and tired to do anything. Thankfully, he is good at playing independently and can occupy himself when I just can't. 

I was already having feelings of not being able to distribute myself fairly, and not being able to spend nearly as much time with Elisa as I did with AJ, but now I'm not even able to enjoy the time I have with her. Something's got to give. I don't even have the energy to exercise, which I desperately need to do since I can't seem to shake the baby weight. 

Tonight Paolo is taking over the night shift for the first time. I had to ask for the favor (why aren't men more intuitive?), but at least he's helping me. I have the sinking feeling that even from the couch I'll hear Elisa fussing before Paolo does, but we shall see. I've ordered the "Merlin Magic Sleepsuit", which is like a weighted blanket suit thing for babies to transition from the swaddle, and based on the reviews, is a miracle worker. It's arriving Thursday, and honestly, all my hopes and dreams are riding on this sleepsuit. If it doesn't work, I don't know what to do, this is not sustainable. I mean, AJ was a horrific sleeper, but even he wasn't this bad as long as I was holding him. 

Sorry about the rambling rant, I am desperate and frustrated. I want to enjoy the summer with my babies but instead I'm a sick, fat, grumpy monster. If anyone has any advice on baby sleep (besides swaddling, white noise, co sleeping, which we've tried), I'm all ears. Now I'm heading to make some coffee. 

Ciao for now,

Kathleen

Elisa Jane's Birth Story

It all started with a routine OBGYN visit. I was 39 weeks, 3 days pregnant, and after off and on prodromal labor the previous two weeks, I was hoping to hear that I looked ready to go into labor at any second. But then my dr told me that just as with AJ, I had critically low fluid levels, and the baby needed to come out. And no, I was not dilated or effaced, and my cervix was way high. In case you don't know what that means, it's not good when you were hoping for everything to be all natural. So my dr gave me my hospital admittance papers and told me I had two days before I needed to admit myself. Thank goodness.. I mean, at that point you know you're having a baby soon, but it's still scary when it comes down to it.

Sunday morning I checked myself into the hospital; they agreed that I needed to be induced immediately, and gave me the choice whether I wanted a prostaglandin tablet or a "midwives cocktail". Luckily I had read about this cocktail and knew that the active ingredient was castor oil, so that was a no go for me. Castor oil is no guarantee of anything except diarrhea, which the midwife laughed at when I pointed it out. I expected the tablet to be very effective, as with AJ I was induced via prostaglandin gel, and they gave me a 24 hour timeline for it to begin to be effective , but in 15 hours he was laying on my chest. So that night, after the medicine was administered, I showered and slept with my contacts in, fully expecting that to be the night (and who wants to start labor dirty?). However, the night came and went with nothing. 

By mid morning the next day, I started to have leg cramps, but that seemed unproductive. By the afternoon I finally started to have some contractions, but nothing noteworthy, so they took the medicine out and said they would try something else the next day. And yes, this whole time I was staying in the hospital; so much fun. So after Paolo left for the night, I washed my face, decided against a shower until the morning and went  to bed. Naturally, that's when the contractions picked up. I started timing them and thought, well I should probably head over to labor and delivery (I was staying on a different hall), just to check it out. When I stood up, my water broke, which was not nearly as dramatic as in movies. I ran over to l&d, where they started monitoring, and texted Paolo that my water broke so he should probably head back. His response- what does that mean? Seriously, men.. 

Unfortunately, all these contractions weren't very productive and I was still not dilated at all. So they sent me out to walk. We wandered all around that hospital until about 11:30 pm, when it got too painful for me. My midwife took us into the delivery room, which had exercise balls, a tub, and all that stuff. I had my heart set on a water birth but she then told me that the tub was currently out of service and the other rooms were occupied.. so there went my idea of a relaxing labor. So I bounced and paced until I was worn out. My contractions were strong, but manageable because the time in between was ok, whereas last time, the medicine dosage was too high and didn't give me a moment to recover.  But then after a couple hours, there was the heartbreaking moment when my midwife told me the cervix had moved down but still no dilation. I had had in my mind that this would be a short labor, but now it seemed impossible. 

Paolo and I were both exhausted by then. So we both sat down and worked on me just breathing and relaxing. Somehow it worked and i dilated a couple centimeters. Then my midwife told me she could do something which may help me progress. Honestly, I didn't understand what she did (my German was kaput at that point); it may have been a membrane sweep, it may have been voodoo, but it hurt like crazy. It was, however, effective. An hour and a half and three pushing contractions later, Elisa Jane (ey-LEE-sa) was born (4:09am). 

She came out so quickly the midwife actually had the nerve to tell me to wait, as a dr needed to be in the room for the birth. She was so quiet that had it not been for the searing pain, I wouldn't have known she was out. After Paolo hesitantly cut the cord, they placed her on my chest, she just looked up at me, and it felt like my heart grew three sizes. This tiny, helpless baby made those nine miserable months fade away. And thus began this new, sweet chapter in our lives. 

Ciao for now,

Kathleen 

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Well, folks, today I made it to 38 weeks pregnant. How am I feeling? Hmm, it’s a complicated question with an answer that changes 1267 times a day. One thing I can say for sure is that no two pregnancies are alike.

When I was pregnant with AJ, I had no idea how easy I had it. On one hand, that pregnancy was much more emotionally difficult, simply because I was young and scared. This time everything was according to plan, so from an emotional standpoint, I was prepared and happy. But from a physical standpoint, it has been a nightmare. I remember last time reading all these symptoms, and thinking that maybe I had some slight signs of some of them.. this time, it’s more of a question of which ones I don’t have. I’m simply hoping that after all this difficulty during pregnancy, baby girl will at least be easy-going (and sleep!). That’s not so much to ask, right?

I do have to say that I am very fortunate to live in a place where I have ample maternity and sick leave. I don’t really know what I would have done during my sickest times if I hadn’t been able to take sick days. Here in Germany, rather than having a certain number of sick days, you simply stay home when you are sick. Up to 3 days, you don’t need a dr’s note, and after that most doctors will write you a week or more off for standard illnesses. Of course some people take advantage of that, but for the most part, people are honest. And only six weeks at a time can be taken at full pay, and then it drops to 65%, I think. Plus, you can take an additional 10 days per parent, per child when your kids are sick. Luckily we haven’t had to do that very often. But anyhow, I am grateful that I was able to take off during the worst times. And I also have a very understanding boss and team that allowed me to work from home a lot, especially towards the end.

Now I have been on maternity leave for 4 weeks already, as it starts at 34 weeks. So let me explain how maternity leave works here, as I know it varies a lot from country to country. In Germany, it starts 6 weeks before the due date, and the official, full pay leave (split between health insurance and employer) ends 8 weeks after the birth (with job protection during this time). This time is mandatory, and called Mutterschutz (mother protection). At that point, there are several options for how to proceed. Of course you can just go back to work, but almost no one does that. You can take 12 months at 65% pay, with an extra 2 months for the partner if he chooses to also take some leave. Then the total of 14 months can be divided anyway you like, as long as both parties take at least 2 months. Or you can take 2 years at 33%, or you can start back part time at any point, and have some “Elterngeld” (parental allowance) paid out to make the difference. So there are many ways to “slice the elephant” (a phrase management at my company seems to love). Personally, I am doing a standard 12 months leave, and Paolo will take 2 months, slightly overlapping with mine at the end. After that, I plan to return to work part-time, which is another benefit available, although I think that is more of a company benefit than a social one.

I know that everyone has different opinions on how maternity leave should work, and a lot of this is depending on where you are coming from. An American may see this as overindulgent and immediately start talking about how it’s a burden for taxpayers, while some other countries may say it isn’t generous enough compared to their home country. What I can say, as an American who chose to come to Germany and pay much higher taxes, is that I honestly don’t mind paying more when I get benefits like this. Is it discouraging to see 40% of my income go to taxes each month? Ehh, I guess, but I am still left with more than enough to live on, and I use these benefits that I pay for. These things that may seem indulgent (6 weeks vacation, maternity leave, subsidized daycares, etc.) help us to live a better quality of life, and some things you can’t put a price tag on.

So the other question people love to ask these days, is what exactly do I do with all this free time now? Isn’t it boring? In a word, no. I had all these great plans to spend lots of extra time with AJ, in his last weeks as an only child, and all the chores and projects I was going to complete, such as getting all the baby stuff ready, filing taxes (I have to file in the US and Germany), deep cleaning the house, etc.. Thankfully once my leave started, I initially felt much better and more inspired to be productive. Thank goodness I had that time, because my energy levels have slowed down immensely. Last Wednesday, I spent a couple hours working in my garden, trying to get all my spring flowers planted before it’s too late, and it took me the next day and a half to recover from all that bending and squatting.. so yes, I am not too different from an 85 year old. Since then, I’ve been experiencing what I can only assume is prodromal labor (false labor, in laymen’s terms). This is super miserable, as now every day, at almost the same time each day I start getting cramps and contractions that feel very real, but don’t progress, and eventually stop. So, labor with no baby. I have never heard of such a thing before, so only appropriate that it shows up during this pregnancy. After this occurs, I basically spend the rest of the day exhausted and recovering from the pain. The bright side of this is supposedly that my body is preparing, so it’s possible my actual labor is shorter. Not sure that matters so much when it’s making every day miserable rather than one long, hard day.

I so wish that I could be that woman that enjoys pregnancy and feels strong and empowered, but that is just not my experience. With AJ, everything was so uncertain and scary that I didn’t enjoy actually being pregnant much, although I had many good experiences then. This time I have felt like an invalid since just before 6 weeks, when my “morning sickness” began while walking in Oia, Santorini. I know that the end result is totally worth it; if this baby is even half as sweet as AJ still is, then I am one lucky mom. But in the mean time, I am wishing it all away. I feel terrible to admit that, but it’s the truth. On the other hand, I’m not quite ready for her to come; I need her to at least wait until April 27, when my mother in law is here to help with AJ J. Like I get any say as to when baby’s coming. I was thinking she would be late like AJ was, but now I am totally unsure with all this false labor stuff. I just hope I recognize when it’s real so that I get to the hospital. As much as I hate hospitals and want everything to be as natural as possible, I am not looking to have a home birth.

Now that I have written a novel of pregnancy complaints, I am off to do some chores before my “practice labor” begins for today.

Hopefully next time I will have some sweet baby pics to share!

Ciao for now,

Kathleen

Halfway Checkpoint

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant (halfway!), and I realized I haven’t written a blog post since finding out that I’m pregnant. So a quick update for all those who care: I am due May 2, we just found out that this baby is a girl (!), and it is true that each pregnancy is very different.

 

With AJ, the first few months are kind of a blur for me, I was very busy with finishing school, working in a restaurant, and then preparing to move to Italy. Other than my growing stomach and occasional morning sickness, I didn’t notice too many physical symptoms. This time was much more stable and easy from an emotional and financial standpoint, but physically was a nightmare from about week 6-16. Luckily we got in most of our Greek vacation before the torture began, but by the time we reached Santorini, I was just up for laying on the beach (and not a bad spot to do so!). After that, it was just all day, constant, morning sickness (what man named it that anyway?), and absolute exhaustion.

 

I am somehow very fortunate that we are going through a transition phase at work, which means that while management is more or less deciding my future, I don’t have too much to do. From a job security standpoint, not great; from a work-stress standpoint, wonderful.  I have a very supportive and understanding boss and colleagues, and in the German system, sick leave is given when you are sick (no worrying about number of sick days unless you cross 6 weeks per year). Pregnant women are extremely well taken care of in that regard here, so that has certainly made things easier.

 

Anyhow, the last 2-3 weeks have been much better, and other than my ever expanding stomach, shortness of breath, and constant hunger (making up for those 3 months, I think) I feel mostly normal. Baby E is growing perfectly, and has a big head just like her big brother. I have started feeling her move a lot, but we still haven’t felt any kicks externally. AJ is very excited most of the time, and asks me every day when the baby is coming out. He was admittedly disappointed to find out that it was a sister, but I’m sure he’ll come around. I was angry at my brother for being a boy right up until he was born, but I got over it.

 

This has certainly been an exciting time for us; last week AJ turned 4 (!), so we had a dino-themed week, with family coming to visit for both weekends. This week, we are preparing for a trip back to the US, for the first time in 19 months! AJ and I fly out Friday morning, and will be there for 3 weeks, so I am looking forward to some relaxing time visiting friends and family. I will admit that I have a list of foods that I have got to eat during my visit (Chick-fil-a, any decent Mexican food, and Johnny’s BBQ being the top of the list J ). I am pregnant, after all.

 

After I return to Germany, I actually only have a couple months left to work before my maternity leave begins (March 21!). I will then be on leave (partially paid) until at least May 2018, so plenty of time to bond with Baby E before heading back to work.  Then Paolo will take some paternity leave, so baby will be 14 months old when she starts daycare. Not too bad, huh? Yes, I pay a lot of taxes, but if you ask me these kind of benefits are priceless.

 

I hope that everyone has a very merry Christmas season, and a happy New Year!

An Open Letter from a Frustrated American Expat

Dear Fellow Americans,


Wake up. Seriously, what in the world is going on? More specifically, who are you people voting for Donald Trump? If you are one of these people, I have to ask: are you mentally stable? 


I have seen and read lots of articles about what is awful about the Donald, and far fewer about any redeeming qualities. Obviously, this leads me to the conclusion that his followers are most likely illiterate. I can't come up with a better explanation, this must be it (I've been to the Cullman Walmart, these must be the fans).


But enough with the insults, let me be real. From the other side of the world, it is downright embarrassing to be an American right now. I wish I could sugarcoat that statement, but that is the hard truth. It used to be the case that when someone discovered I was American, they would ask which state I came from, and if I liked it here, blah, blah. Now the question is first if I voted for Trump, and secondly, what's wrong with the people in my country? I have no good answer yet for the latter. I then have to admit that this election makes me quite happy to be here.


Don't get me wrong, I love my country. But when I see headlines everyday (yes, even here) discussing Donald Trump's latest stunt, I am embarrassed. And the media here is not nearly as polite as American media is (!), they are super condescending, and quite frankly, having a field day with the fact that big ol' America is so full of idiots that we came up with that guy to be a serious contender for the presidency of the most powerful nation in the world.


Of course, certain countries are loving it more than others. Italians are thrilled that they are no longer the only ones to elect (or almost elect) a bumbling buffoon (see Silvio Berlusconi). Most of Europe is simply laughing at us (not with us, AT us). I mean, really, can you imagine Donald Trump sitting down with Angela Merkel to discuss Russian intervention??? She will rip him to pieces (I, for one, cannot wait to see that one).


Since the GOP field narrowed to one, the tone is changing a bit, however. Everyone is still laughing, but it's becoming a nervous laugh. If this can happen in America, it can happen anywhere. Germany is currently dealing with an insurgent nationalistic party (AFD) as well as France (Front National). Aside from that, how the US reacts on foreign policy affects the rest of the world. Trump is untested, unscrupulous, and quite frankly, unsure. The man flip flops on his policies faster than the media can even report. Who knows what he really thinks?


I have seen so many conservatives bashing Trump in the past year, so now my question is: are you going to vote for him anyway? I truly hate seeing all these establishment Republicans now coming forward and backing him; way to stand by your convictions, guys. And evangelicals? I don't understand how a man like Trump can appeal to a true evangelical, this one is totally beyond me. We should never forget that neither political party is supported by the Bible. One must not vote Republican simply because the Christian status quo says that we should. Yes, there are certain topics that evangelicals say they can never support, but don't fool yourself into believing that Donald Trump is on your side in those fights. Or you can simply look at history and see that even conservative Presidents have done nothing to help in those fights.


So am I voting in this election? You betcha! It will be for whoever is against Trump. I will take Hillary or Bernie gladly over that moron. No, neither of them are perfect candidates either, but I refuse to watch my country become the laughingstock of the world. So I will do everything in my power to stop that, which is simply: vote. I am aware that my vote won't mean much in the state of Alabama (thanks, rednecks), but I will do my civic duty. I want to once again be proud of saying that I am American. Help me out, guys.


Ciao for now,
Kathleen