Finding out you’re pregnant, whether you planned to be or not, is always a scary thing, I think. If you were trying to be pregnant, then you are suddenly faced with the reality of it. If it’s unplanned, it’s a whole new ballgame. You are suddenly faced with every emotion possible, and so many decisions. I don’t mean the decision on what to do with the baby, that was never a question for me; I think it’s more deciding how you’re going to go forward.
I won’t go into the details, but Alessandro was truly a miracle. All babies are, but some really beat the odds. When I found out I was pregnant, it seemed so impossible that I thought if it was true, then it must be something really special. I won’t lie, and say that made all the scariness of the situation go away, it just helped. Sometimes I’m still scared; I don’t know where I’m going to be this time next year. But things are coming together, slowly but surely.
More than anything, I wish I could tell my last-year self that not only was everything going to be ok, but that this little baby was going to open a whole new world for me. I haven’t been this truly happy or fullfilled in a very long time, if ever. I’m not saying that motherhood is the end all of everything, but for me, it’s pretty spectacular. I never thought I would find so much joy just in watching a baby play with his feet, or make funny noises. I had grand plans to travel the globe and do all sorts of things- I still will, just with a child in tow. This time last year, I thought any excitement in my life was over, and that I would just become a boring, old person.
For sure it’s not the same as before. But the thing is, it’s better! I can’t go out on Friday nights and stay out late, or come and go quite so easily, but it turns out that cuddling with Ale while watching a movie, or going on walks with him is so much more wonderful. Before, I didn’t know what pure joy was, and that has been the biggest (and best) surprise I’ve gotten from motherhood.
Ciao for now,
Kathleen
